The Weight Is Over
by Redwood Manning
Summary: Hey, did you know that if you had a bucket of deep fried chicken everyday for 12 years, then you would have eaten a whole fricking lot of fried chicken? After Jareth eats a whole fricking lot of chicken over the course of 12 years, his mother grows concerned and hires him the best naturopath and sports aerobics instructor the world, Sarah Williams. (Fat!Jareth fic) (purely satire)


12 years is a very long time. Especially when one must dwell on their mistakes. But the thing was, in all his very long years, Jareth the King of the Goblins had only ever made one mistake. Which is why he didn't deal with it very well.

As it turned out, Jareth the Goblin King, was a comfort eater.

The Goblin Kingdom had had a _lot_ of chickens.

Fried chicken was a really great comfort food to drown your sorrows in.

What was another great thing to drown your sorrows in?

ALCOHOL!

Had 12 years of eating essentially nothing but fried chicken and alcohol taken a bit of a toll on Jareth?

Yes. He had to stop wearing leather pants about six years ago. He'd also stopped wearing such low cut shirts when he'd discovered what the term 'man-boobs' actually meant.

He'd kept his hair long though, if only to hide his double chin.

Well, triple chin really, but the first person to point this out would be quickly acquainted with the Bog of Eternal Stench.

Jareth sat in his throne (he'd had to stop lounging when his weight had snapped one of the arms off) morosely chewing on a leg of chicken.

 _Where had everything gone so very wrong?_ He wondered, wiping residual grease off his upper lip.

Sarah.

It was all _her_ fault.

He used to watch her through his crystal but it got to much.

Watching her prance about in her crop tops with a tight stomach and willowy legs.

In her famous words, It just _wasn't fair_.

Now Jareth had turned from _most eligible bachelor_ to _bachelor you're most likely to avoid_ or even _bachelor you stare at incessantly out of the corner of your eye and wondering what the hell happened?_

But he didn't care.

He wanted to be left alone to wallow in his misery.

His mother however, didn't understand.

She'd been spending some time above ground and had gotten into the whole 'health' trend. She basically lived off banana and spinach smoothies and quinoa.

So when she came back for her once-a-decade visit and saw her little baby, fat and depressed she decided she had to do something.

 _Fast._

With much convincing, Jareth, the King of the Goblins appeared in his throne room for a consultation session with his mother and her naturopath and sports aerobics coach.

Imagine his surprise when at precisely 12:30, Sarah Williams appeared in his throne room.

To be fair, Sarah was pretty surprised as well.

"Oh my God," she covered her mouth with her hand, "Jareth? What happened?"

Jareth just growled, gesturing to his mother to get it over and done with.

It infuriated him how well she looked. Her skin had a beautiful, luminous glow to it. Her legs were like a mortal shaving advertisement. Toned, unnaturally smooth and impossibly long. Sarah Williams had become a Venus, the perfect muse.

His mother began to explain the problem and it seemed like everything was going okay, until Sarah started asking unwanted questions.

"Any erectile disfunction? Less satisfying sex? Less of a sexual appetite?" Asked the Sarah Williams, breezily going through the list like she was talking about the weather.

Jareth was just about to send her to an oubliette when his mother answered for him.

"According to his lovers, yes. There's been a very significant drop over the past 10 years," replied his mother.

"I HAVE HAD NO ERECTILE DISFUNCTION!"

Jareth hadn't meant to yell.

He looked for a cover up.

"And I can prove that to you if you followed me to my bed chamber precious," he said silkily with what he hoped was a debonair grin.

Sarah looked like she'd just stepped on a slug, "I'd prefer to stay on a strictly professional relationship Jareth," she said with an overly fake smile.

Jareth felt a little part of his heart shrivel up.

Sarah Williams did not want him.

Over the years he'd still gotten women into his bed but he had begun to suspect that unlike previously, when women had flocked to him because of his good looks, prowess and power, they now only came because of the power.

And Sarah had just proved that.

"Um, so..." Sarah tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, shifting uncomfortably, "I'm thinking that we start with a healthy eating plan," she turned to his mother for confirmation, "We'll start with portion sizes. Maybe cut down the on the drinking to once a week, just until you lose the weight," she chewed on her lip and just for a moment, Jareth contemplated running his thumb along the seems of her mouth to free her soft bottom lip. Potentially leaning forward and capturing it with his own.

And then he remembered her face when he suggested the bedroom. That look of utter distain.

Also he had a fair bit of grease on his fingers and no doubt that would be a fair bit of a turn off. And he smelt bad. He always seemed to smell bad these days. With fat came sweat.

"And finally, we cut down on the fried chicken. I'll send some recipes to you, Gwen. Maybe substitute with grilled or baked chicken."

His mother gave Sarah a grateful smile, "Thank-you dear, and do you believe that you would be able to fit an aerobics session or two in a week for Jareth? Every little bit helps my darling baby, doesn't it?"

A tight, close-lipped smile stretched in a ruler-straight line across Sarah's face, like she would honestly have preferred to swim laps in the bog of eternal stench than spend time than necessary with him.

It was now that Jareth realised that no matter what it took, he would get into amazing shape. Lithe and beautiful. He would become suave and sensual again. Then, he would seduce Sarah and finally, break her heart. It would be the quintessential revenge plan. Ruin Sarah, the cause of all his ugliness and get into shape again.

After organising to meet up in his throne room for his first aerobics lesson next Monday, Jareth dismissed his mother and Sarah. Leaning back in his throne, he inspected a leg of deep fried chicken pinched between his forefinger. A good old fashioned smirk curled at the corner of his mouth. The possibilities at his finger tips. Near endless and almost dizzying with their potential. He tossed the wing of chicken in the air, laughing as it transformed into a crystal with the glimmering outline of Sarah Williams dancing inside.

He turned to the goblins which had seeped curiously out of the walls at the long forgotten sound of their monarch's laughter.

"Well?" He turned to them with a maniacal grin, "Laugh!"

* * *

 _A/N: First of all I want to be really clear and say this is satire. I am in no way attempting to_ disrespect _David Bowie or his memory, I am merely pointing out an underlying theme in the fandom is to make make Jareth a total sex god and Sarah a frumpy frump ball._ _I became severely aware of this when **KBates** commented on a oneshot about Jareth having crazy hot monkey sex with Sarah to make her feel better about being fat._

 _Furthermore I am not trying to body shame in anyway. All sizes are good, but if you're feeling conscious about your size to the point where you literally describe the gorgeous, trim Jen Con as "curvy" and with "Back rolls," then change your diet and start exercising more. This isn't coming from someone who was always skinny. I used to get teased for being fat all the time in school and one day I just had enough of it and started working my ass off to get into shape. Now I'm one of those "Skinny bitches" who is just_ _soooooo lucky that they are "naturally thin."_

Anyway, rant over... Sorry if you were just here for a good time. Please enjoy the fic.


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